Isaac Newton @ London – 21st century

Spotted. A rare sight in the hustle and bustle of London city today, Isaac Newton finally sees daylight and steps out of his fortified apartment. Newton has never owned a phone and is nearly impossible to get in touch with. “It fucks with my focus” he once said in an interview. A strange day in London, indeed. The streets are vibrant with excitement, people uploading video stories on Instagram with the trending hashtag #Newton-spotted.

Newton rushes along in order to avoid interactions with the enthusiastic crowd. A beautiful woman walks right up to him. “Your work is inspirational, professor.” He glares at her and tells her bluntly that she will never amount to anything. Not a surprising remark coming from the great Professor Isaac Newton. Newton is exceptional in his field, but the cost he must bear is his lack of emotional intelligence. In simpler terms, he’s kind of a dick.

He finally arrives at Carlton House Terrace, the home of the Royal Society of London. The President of the society summoned him to join him for a quick chat. Newton is quite sure he will be the successor to the President. He enters the restroom ahead of the meeting. Newton stares at his own reflection in the mirror, slowly breathing in and out in order to calm himself. Due to extensive periods of isolation, the physicist suffers from social anxiety. He meditates on the beautiful woman who approached him a couple of minutes ago. “Should I have asked for her number?”, he asks himself.

The gossip surrounding him is that he is celibate. He has been trying to neglect this truth for many years now, convincing himself that intercourse would distract him from his work. He slaps himself and brushes the thoughts off. The washroom is empty. He steps into one of the toilets and starts to jerk off. “I need to calm down and rid myself of my primitive instinct,” he thinks to himself. “I am about to be elected as the President” he yells as he climaxes.


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